what if you watched every fucking god damn adam sandler movie.

04/12/2025

we got a sandlo within 10 god damn minutes of this movie. probably one of the most efficient movies at hitting each sandler hallmark. i had two squares unchecked by the end of it. genuinely unheard of.

we decided to watch this after watching the inaugural episode of the new season of gamechanger and it wasn’t as harrowing an experience vis a vis vibe shift as expected but it wasn’t great. im gonna be real with you i played act 1 of path of exile 2 for most of this and missed a bunch of stuff but i did half-watch like 6 gay dudes watch it together on youtube a year earlier so it balanced out into a single viewing

EPIC WINS:

• gay son tap dance. epic
• gay bashing being gay people beating other people up. down with cis bus etc
• i liked his big apple costume that was cute
• adam sandlers big speech about slurs was funny to me because it sounded like it had just occurred to him that slurs may not be a nice thing to say to other people in general. even if theyre gay
• hot lady big bazonga has not once not been checked off on our bingo. and im grateful for that.
• can you tell im really scraping the bottom of the barrel for positive things to say about these movies
• it could have been worse
• Kustom Kippahs for the wedding were very cute

EPIC FAILS:

• they should try r*b schnieder in the hague
• we realized early on a major part of the character design for adam sandlers guy was ‘chewing gum’ and it kind of fucked up the rest of it
• i know it was 2008 but man they really went crazy with the fat jokes. no wonder everyone born before 2010 is nursing an eating disorder and frankly everyone after has it no better with tiktok. we should burn the world down imo
• they should try r*b schnieder in the hague
• no gay sex visible
• EDIT: dylan mentioned that the way the movie opens with adam manipulating two twin sisters into kissing is “a core part of what the movie feels about women” which i agree with. give it up for objects women

cool thanks

xoxo big shortzzzz

6/10 dudes at ram ranch

following our discovery of the gay robot skit in adam sandler’s fifth comedy album ‘Shhh… Don’t tell”, two of us listened to the entire thing to celebrate pride month.

the funniest thing from that entire day was when i ordered so much taco bell they had to give me a little cardboard briefcase and my friend referred to it as “the nuclear football for diarrhea”.

anyway the album sucked shit im pretty sure i was head in hands crying ‘no no no no’ at one point. emotionally exhausting to the point where i ran out of emotion to exhaust and my body had to start borrowing from physical exhaustion. i had to take a nap after listening to this wretched thing. the fact you could make something like this in 2004 and still have people look you in the eye afterwards is insane to me.

2/10 but only rated so highly because it provides a valuable service: showing you what rock bottom looks like.

BIG SHORTS

“mans not hot.”

who gives a shit about little nicky lets check out little nicky the videogame for the GBA hell yeah baby lets go!!!

i think this earth has torn little nicky to shreds in better ways than I can but it was really cool when the guy had boobs on his head and the other guy was squeezing them and they both had a really good time with that.

looking up some trivia about this movie for this review i am seeing recurring instances of things being named ‘meatball’ by adam sandler and i now feel some degree of empathy towards him. as if i am looking into the water on the bank of a calm stream and i see adam sandlers face looking back up at me, distorted: i also think its funny when something is named meatball.

fucking i guess it was a movie i saw??? 4/10 BIG SHORTS

i think we watched this over a year ago and ‘bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum’ continues to prowl the dark passages of my synapses, calculating the perfect moment of weakness before striking. my heart goes out to jewish people across the globe for having this be one of the big hanukkah movies.

rob schneider as “Mr. Chang” brings our count to at least two hate crimes.

overall kind of a triumph of the human spirit that everyone involved in this didn’t kill themselves

3/10 BIG SHORTS

“everybody’s a gangster until the final act of click” – unknown

5 words to instill fear into the heart of the nation: “rob schneider as prince habeeboo”

i think it was cool that the dog kept having sex with the thing. oh shit guys i think the remotes in control who said that

5/10 BIG SHORTS

this movie is a fucking nightmare scenario. can you imagine not remembering anything about your life past a certain day and waking up heavily pregnant on a boat in the middle of god damn nowhere. i do not think a single woman was consulted in the process of coming up with this movie. per usual the regimen is to buckle up & turn the thinking part off.

there are two wolves inside of me: sean astin in a mesh tshirt vs rob schneider as ula. they have torn each others throats out and thus have negated the scoring and i no longer have to factor in either.

due to drew barrymore’s bodrey horrormore i rate 50 first dates a 4/10.

BIG SHORTS

fuck yueah baby hooters!!! lerts go hooters!!!! another big win for the sprouse twins in being born to skirt around child labour laws. honestly this movie kinda ruled. i liked it a lot. the jokes landed for me and if a day comes where i don’t laugh at a child naming themselves ‘frankenstein’ then just shoot me in the head. the joke of the movie is ‘what if a baby is like. sorta raunchy with it’ and honestly it just worked.

i liked the big daddy cinema.

7/10 BIG SHORTS

im just glad steve buscemi gets to have fun. mr deeds is another big rip on the adam sandler bong and it’s nothing exceptional but it’s easy to turn your brain off and just let it wash over you as the tide comes in.

i honestly barely remember anything about this movie other than the hallmark poetry and his name being longfellow. my boy longfellow. thats my fucking god damn son longfellow. hes the hotel guy now

6/10 BIG SHORTS

“eat shit and kill yourself” – the waterboy

hes just so good at dumbass movies. going into it like ‘i bet this will be a good dumbass movie’ and getting a good dumbass movie out of it is basically the highest i can soar on these wax wings. looking back on it it’s kind of crazy how many times he plays people with mental differences (neurodivergent king??). like man that’s a lot.

8/10 BIG SHORTS

happy gilmore came to us when we needed it most (after having watched little nicky) and reminded us that some of these movies might be good and not like really weirdly racist. probably one of the best sandlers we’ve experienced, really strikes at the core of low-brow mass market appeal via lovable galoot. im a simple man, baby. happy gilmore gave me what i needed and that’s golf-based violence and jokes that are funny. one may say “BIG SHORTS, surely that must be a low bar!” and i would look at them like a sad wet dog.

8/10 BIG SHORTS